I have several unhealthy obsessions. But we're not talking about the seductive power of chocolate or shoes here. Oh, they're much worse. For starters, there's the Superman fetish and the fascination with subway rats. And let's not forget that strange thing I have for "Golden Girls." But then there's the preoccupation which has left me embarrassed and broken-hearted on more than one occasion. It's the obsession with bald men.

Ladies with taste, back me up here. There's just something about an exposed pate that exudes confidence and virility, right? Consider Patrick Stewart, Paul Shaffer, and John Malkovich. I even found Right Said Fred oogle-worthy (yes, he of "I'm Too Sexy" pseudo-fame). But recently a new shiny stud has entered my life. He's funny, polite, adventurous, and his head is oh-so-shaven. He is Dave Attell, star/host of Comedy Central's late-night travel jaunt "Insomniac."

For those who haven't witnessed the weekly underworld spectacular, "Insomniac" follows the comedian around a select city in search of after-hours nightlife. Barhoppers and burger-scarfers, dancers and dementos compete for the honor of sharing camera time with the man once named one of Interview magazine's "25 Faces of the Future" and nominated for an American Comedy Award as best male stand-up. But Dave the Generous enjoys casting the spotlight away from himself; his interest in anything and everything allows everyone to win.

Dave pitched the show to Comedy Central after the network nixed his initial idea for a game show he now claims he doesn't remember the details of. Not that it even matters. "Insomniac" just finished its third season, during which it enjoyed a new prime slot of Thursdays at 10 (it was moved up from midnight after bringing in 1.1 million weekly viewers in its previous Sunday spot). Season 4 will start on May 29 and feature jaunts in London, Amsterdam and Dublin, plus a special episode in which one lucky contest winner will play "Insomniac" co-host in his or her hometown. And to top it all off, Dave's debut stand-up CD, Skanks for the Memories, was released Feb. 4 along with The Best of "Insomniac with Dave Attell" Uncensored: Volume 1 DVD.

The artwork for the CD shows Dave surrounded by multitudes of enthusiastic females, so I know I'm not alone here with my impure thoughts. And a quick scan of Comedy Central's official "Insomniac" Message Board offers its own hearty helping of suggestive posts:

blonde_vixen: I love Dave!!! His bald head is so sexy!!! He can [come] to my town anytime he wants!!! Love you Dave!!!

crazyeyeskilla: Can anyone tell me anything about Dave?
Gabriela74: he's pretty darn cute, isn't he?
Bakers-661: gotta agree he is cute

lucyfurjones: Deep down, we all really *do* want someone to make us laugh. I love his nose, and the way he lifts his shirt and shows his hairy gut.

OperaAmy: I admit, I too think Dave is hot. What is so weird is I haven't had fantasies about anyone famous since I was 13 (and I'm 28 now). What I like most about him is his kindness.

kimilynn513: I think Dave is without a doubt one of the sexiest guys on tv. Dave if you see this e-mail, get back to me. Maybe you could swing through DC and we could hook up!

Dan Bothell: I saw your show for the 1st time in the latter part of '02. I can't quite put my finger on what makes you so sexually appealing to me, but damnit, I'd like to. You might think that I'm just ugly. The truth is I've got to beat them off with a stick. Let's talk. Dan

Did I mention that he also sings? Dave helped write and performs the show's gutterally-barked theme song, complete with lyrics such as "Come with me and you will see a late-night-freak-show jubilee / Kick the Sandman in his sack; stay up late - Insomniac!" This is a composition that Dave describes as "Sad. It's a sad marching song for drunks." What a way with words! What soul-wrenching depth! What a wonderful guy!

So if I see him puffing away outside the comedy club, what can I do but cower in his nicotine-fueled superhero-like presence? Or if I ask if he's ever been close to getting married, when he says, "No, but you and I have some good chemistry going here," what can I do besides squeal like a neurotic subway rat? Or like Betty White upon discovering a forgotten piece of cheesecake in the fridge?

Alas, I am completely powerless. His stubbly sheen is my Kryptonite.

Nevertheless, let's all hoist a brew to the beautiful baldy. Here's to Dave Attell, who will appear in the upcoming film Saving Grace*, who will one day be more popular than that Seinfeld schmoe, and who needn't call the cops when he finds me caressing those beckoning button-down shirts in his bedroom closet. Again.

*also listed as Max and Grace

Photo from comedycentral.com